The Goldenrod Chronicles, A Three Party System 🎃
Friends, Compatriots, Voters -
Don't fall for the rhetoric that this country is hamstrung by a two-party political system. Based on my drives around town, a five county region in Southern Wisconsin with a steadily increasing COVID 7-day percent positive infection rate of 27%, I conducted a very scientific analysis of political yard signs and I can emphatically report to you that we are a three party system with three very loyal allegiances: the Democratic Party, the Republican Party, and the Halloween Party.
Actually, it's a little hard to say if the party is officially the American Pumpkin Party (APP), running on a platform of baked seeds, free face carving for all, and a need to prioritize a very cartoonish version of America's favorite fall cucurbit. Or possibly the Salem-based WTP (Witch's Tea Party) espousing a unity message bringing together the good and the wicked while hammering home a pro-environment, pro-broom transportation philosophy, and also heavily funded by the GHOST PAC. Rumors also suggest it could be a more inclusive Haunted Halloween Party (HHP) that includes both the APP and WTP, while also serving as a broader umbrella for ghouls, marshmallows, lovers of small individually wrapped name-brand candy, monsters kicked out of other parties, bats, crows, dentists, puns, candy corns, black cats, and the night terrors. This party is know to have very strong support from the styrofoam headstone crafting union, the offensively inappropriate costume lobby, the sheetfitters, fog machine manufacturers, and the Oriental Trading Company - but rumor has it the HHP only has a skeleton budget this year. And, of course, the HHP is 110% PRO-MASK.
No, but seriously. Both in my neighborhood and driving all over today I am (glad to find some amusement in this shitshow election year and) greatly humored to see streets lined with campaign signs, and an intermittent house adorned with ONLY Halloween decorations. It is very, very important for you to know they are Pro-Halloween, and they vote. Actually, it might just be that they are pro-Halloween and don't vote at all. I did start keeping track and very few (like 2 in 100) houses with elaborate Halloween decorations had any political yard signs. (And if you want to know the voting demo of this 2 out of 100, just send me an email).
I don't know why I wrote you all of this. Maybe because I had a huge giggle to myself the first time I drove the up-down-up-down-up-down hilly section of road by the house which is full of election FLAGS (don't even get me started on the effectiveness (or lack of effectiveness of flags versus signs) and to come up over the hill and see more flags, like a TON of flags, and my joy when they were not on the side of a presidential candidate but instead campaigning for Halloween and only Halloween. I, in fact, did not know that there were so many Halloween flags in existence (pumpkin, witch, black cat "Halloween") and that one person could put up so many in front of a small driveway, and still have so much room for pumpkins and those witches that look like they have flown into a pole and tinsel and black cats and straw bales. (I mean, really, what are the chances two witches would fly into poles in the same neighborhood? Call the FAA!!!) Maybe it's some kind of mental relief, or a small kind of joy. Or it just seems silly. But it's such a weird mish-mash this year and I wanted to share this with you at least to get it out of my head.
Notes:
Oriental Trading is a real company and we got the catalog growing up and maybe Mom still does.
I will give you ten points if you can make up a fun full name behind the acronym GHOST PAC (or GHOUL if you like)
Okay, but really - please tell me what your favorite halloween candy is.
I am not kidding, if you like writing shit like this and have ideas of who to make the Halloween election parties better, let me know and we can write together.
Today’s List
B from Make Time and now a real friend gifted me the most thoughtful bday love, one of these A Case for Making Happy Hour watercolor sessions on Zoom! It was so fun to be in a casual class with a pal from afar and learn and drink!
Save the Manuals! This is so silly on so many levels. On my drive home from my weekly masked and socially distant walk with a pal in Madison, I was stopped at a light behind a car with a small bumper sticker. It was red, white, blue and round and I just assumed it was a political bumper sticker until I got close enough to see it said "Save The Manuals!" and I was like OMG that is the funniest thing I have EVER seen. How clever! Yes! You should ALWAYS save the manual for every new tool or thing that comes into your house, duh. And, for fucks sake you should actually read it BECAUSE INSTRUCTIONS ARE IMPORTANT, I mean at least read the 'quick start guide'. But save the manuals because the moment that thing breaks is the moment you were going to wish you kept it! And I just thought it was such a clever little statement and so witty and it was the first thing I told M when I walked into her house and I bent over laughing and slapped at my thigh because IT WAS SO FUNNY. And then I tried to google it because I wanted to show you, and that's when I realized that it's actually a sticker for a Car and Driver Magazine campaign to promote manual transmissions in cars. You can see it here.
We’re all making choices in the pandemic. Many of us are lying about them, Washington Post
Why is there no ice cream in this house?! Also, why did I already eat the entire apple crumble I made Tuesday? (seriously, the best and easiest I've ever had)
I know Charlie's dementia means in the long term her health will decline, but we still have a lot of bright spots and positive moments. She is learning to climb the stairs to the bedroom again (I swear it's a mental block and not a physical one) and when she gets 'stuck' she's learning to take a verbal cue and unstick herself. I moved one of the old portable chicken fences to M's backyard so now it's 'fenced' and Chuck has a 'yard' in the city and also Charlie is sleeping here next to me on the sofa. As in, M's sofa. Which is an achievement because M DOES NOT ALLOW dogs on the sofa AT ALL, but she loves Charlie so much (and Charlie's pacing is so banana's inducing) that she finally gave in and put Charlie on the sofa so all is right with the world right now. (I do secretly think Charlie is a master manipulator and has been on the con since January to stage a mental decline through her brilliant acting in order for us to finally let her on the sofa in the city house. YOU WIN CHARLIE, YOU WIN.
As of last night I have stopped listening to the news / anything inflammatory. Really the ONLY thing I can do between now and election night is vote. I am working the polls and voting on election day and signed up to make 2 more rounds of calls to voters.
IF YOU ARE IN WISCONSIN AND STILL HAVE YOUR ABSENTEE BALLOT, RETURN IT TO YOUR CLERK'S OFFICE OR AN APPROVED DROP BOX. DO NOT MAIL YOUR BALLOT, IT COULD BE TOO LATE. In Wisconsin all ballots must be received by 8pm on Election Day (11/3). YES I AM YELLING AT YOU IT'S IMPORTANT.
It's well past curfew, and I've been writing this for the last 90 minutes mostly just because it's fun and it makes me feel good. But I have to remember sleep makes me have those same feelings too.
Bye,
vanessa
Archive: October 29, 2020