The Goldenrod Chronicles, How Hard Are We Supposed To Work?

Plus "beginning again" and I show you the contents inside my brain

Hi & Hello 🌈

First, my body is slowly disintegrating and it’s trying to take me with it.

But, in the mean time, Hi - It’s me, Vanessa! I say that because it feels like forever* since I’ve written anything, but also because a handful of new folks joined up lately so I feel like I should introduce myself. Commence introduction by opening my brain and dumping out the contents as if shaking my messenger bag clean over the bathtub.

*When I say it feels like ‘forever’ since I shared anything here that’s because I am again in the very unsavory hamsters wheel of overwhelm! It’s totally self-inflicted! And it’s leading to some extreme-short-term focus to get through the things on my list now because things will be better when they are done.

I loathe a ‘things will better when’ mindset when it comes to very-not-specific future states like: I’ll be happy when _____(insert very not specific or achievable metric here)_______. But, the truth is that we sure do sign ourselves up for short-term suffering situations of discomfort on occasion. And, in these situations, I’m telling myself a ‘things will be better when…” mindset is acceptable. (But I still know it’s full of pitfalls!)

For right now, I’m in the final weeks counting down to taking my stupid CAPM exam which I am not even going to explain to you because I spent enough time studying it that I don’t want to think about it anymore. This is one of those quasi-arbitrary professional certifications that I am required to collect in my first year-ish of this job even though we all agree it will not make me better at my job. It’s a three-hour, 150 question test administered by computer and I waffle between extreme confidence I will pass even if I have a broken arm and sinus infection and a fear I will not pass in a million years because fear of failure.

I am also now on a very clear deadline to ‘complete house finishing projects by the end of 2023’ lest I care to be single again. I am joking, mostly, as Megan has been a relatively good sport about living in an almost-finished house, but honestly - I should probably knock out the ceiling project, the baseboards, that one last window trim, plus that other window trim, and the stairs, and the kitchen floor paint and the details in the kitchen. (And that’s just the ‘big stuff’ list - never mind all the ‘little’ things that Megan doesn’t even notice!) This is why my guiding word for the year is FINISH. And yes, even though ‘finish’ has all these other non-quitting ideas behind it (and we know I LOVE & BELIEVE IN QUITTING!)

Today’s missive is brought to you by (Play sponsorship music here): SHOULDER PAIN. In the whole word of physics around “a body in motion stays in motion” tonight is aerials class (after studying, and excluding ceiling project today). And also, as I was trying to put my left arm through my jacket I was whining and griping so much and so loudly that M was like Should you actually be going to class? Do you, like, use your shoulder in class? To which I was like, you make a good point - because yes one uses her should in a class that is all about lifting yourself onto a suspended ring and then doing stupid tricks on it.

BECAUSE - HOW HARD ARE WE SUPPOSED TO WORK?

This is actually a branched question - and I didn’t intend to include the shoulder track, but I will.

BECAUSE ONE: Like, how much are you supposed to stick to your plan or do the think WHEN THINGS HURT? What is the boundary where you’re like nah, I’m not being ‘unmotivated’, I actually should not go to class because my shoulder hurts versus the very instinctual Vanessa interpretation which is “This thing is on my list and I am going to do it NO MATTER WHAT AND WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT because it’s on my list and it’s a thing I do and therefore I shall do it.

This may sound a wee bit like a joke - and I know this is really all about BOUNDARIES - but to be honest I am today year’s old and still figuring this out because my young and young adult life was in sports which was (at least in the 90s and 00s) YOU JUST KEEP DOING THE THING AND GRITTING YOUR TEETH AND MOVING FORWARD IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ACHEIVING AND SUCCEEDING AND HOLDING YOUR STARTING SPOT NO MATTER IF YOUR BONES ARE BREAKING IN THE PROCESS.

So, like - really? When do you call it quits/rest? Especially when you are (still) trying to overcome some stupid belief that your body is young and rubbery and will serve you forever even though it’s clear that it is aging and grumpier every day and there must be some sweet spot between caring for it and moving it and having fun and protecting it and doing long term damage that no longer serves you.

I know I am being intentionally dramatic - but I also really, truly, genuinely want to know how you balance this - especially if you have honed, practiced, excelled or otherwise experienced an extreme JUST KEEP GOING attitude (especially in relation to your body).

BUT PART TWO: TRULY - at the heart of all of the current hamster wheel (dammit, WHY IS THERE NO “P” in hamster) is that I have loosed the boundary around my work life - AND I AM REGRETTING IT. What was a firm, solid line is now a porous dotted line in which thinking about and working on day-job things has spilled over into non-working hours.

I noticed this inching over the borders in November and December as we hosted three big events, and then that weird push to ‘wrap things up’ before the holidays which is always a stupid, and also helpful, task. Add with that a growing portfolio for our team (because - DAMN WE DO GOOD WORK) and the fact that I care, I have now been asking myself HOW HARD ARE WE SUPPOSED TO WORK?

And I mean that - I really, truly mean that question. As a people-pleaser. As a doer. As someone with a Lifetime Achievement Award in achievement. As a someone with some pride. And also as a recovering perfectionist - HOW HARD ARE WE SUPPOSED TO WORK?

I am not asking ‘what is the bare minimum one must achieve’ in order to keep a job. I just mean, like - how much effort and with what intensity and how hard should one work. That’s all I have to say on that for now. I’d love to know if/how you approach this.

And, back to NOT going to class - since I was already dressed to leave the house (I mean, running tights and a sweatshirt count, right?) I decided to instead go to the Irish bar across the street from class and (insert Law and Order Dun-Dun here) WRITE THIS MISSIVE TO YOU! Because of all the things I have been doing and not doing and thinking about doing but not doing, writing is one of them.

Last night I cleared my schedule to write to you. I snuggled into the sofa with M and Roux and opened the computer and knew *exactly* what I wanted to say. But then got a wee bit fifteen minutes distracted by cleaning up my planting log from 2022, and then got so tired. SO TIRED. That I permitted myself to fold the laptop shut and take a little nap until we both woke up at 9:45 and went to actual bed.

Honestly, I don’t know about you - but I spend so much time in front of a computer screen and sitting in/on something that EVEN THOUGH THIS WRITING IS THE CREATIVE LOVE OF MY LIFE the environment around it just does not make me want to cultivate a writing practice. It’s been so long, how to dive back in, blah blah blah.

And so we get to the ‘begin again’ thing. I credit this to the amazing Sarah of Can We Read who talks about - simply - starting back in as ‘begin again’. Beginning again. Restarting. Just doing it. She is so good about using language to make this feel so simple. And yet, my brain just wants to break it down to the smallest little pieces. (The WBS, should you also be studying for your CAPM).

So, question:

What does “begin again” mean to you?

How do you “begin again”?

For me, since this missive that parades as a somewhat professional-ish newsletter is actually, literally just my practice medium - I think ‘begin again’ means just open a new newsletter and type in a title and start typing and don’t stop until you have pressed the ‘publish now’ button. Since that is, in general, the premise behind this semi-regular publication that seems appropriate (and not different than my approach most days when I don’t feel estranged from my habit of practice).

I am wondering though if the words ‘being’ and ‘start’ have the same meaning? Start, to me, implies the first and basic act of just picking up the pencil or doing that first tiny thing that starts to know down the dominoes to the flow of the practice. But, I am very good at stops and starts - if you know what I mean and would also like to see my drafts folder.

I shall leave this here for now - but I want to know what this means for you and how you go about it. (What I do know is that it means a return without question, without belittling self for letting something go ‘too’ long, and all those other stupid little brain-voices that really like to build imaginary walls and barriers.)

OKAY, that’s it! (HA!) I have begun again. I DID IT! I WIN! (Also, I do not recommend the Hi-G sour from G5 brewery.)

Upcoming: How those words-for-the-year holding up for you? And also the almost-finished list of our ‘time’ themes for the year. Outgoing: Don’t overlook the awesome Boomerang Mail Prompt about wasting time from Make Time last weekend.

With love, gentle persistence, some perspiration, and one bad beer I will finish no matter what,
vanessa

P.S. No Proofies Forevah!